Monday, July 9, 2012

The Gnome Did It

This is a blog dedicated to the exploration of science....but how about a little break? Here is a little literature diving  into the world of humor.

The Gnome Did It
Year: 2011
Day: May 19                                                              
Time: 14:00
Place: High School

I was sitting in my Advanced Literature class contemplating memories of the past three years. I was sad that my high school days were finally coming to an end, but at the same time I was looking forward to entering into the adult world.  I glanced at the clock with bitter sweet anticipation of the end of my last day of high school.
 I quickly turned to find the source of such an exclamation from my class mates.  To my surprise and delight, Holly, my best friend, had decided to bring devil triple chocolate cupcakes to tempt us with on our last day. The cupcakes were smothered in sinful milk chocolate, sprinkled with M&M’s, and baked to perfection. The scent of ambrosia permeated the air and my fellow seniors and I were drooling over such luxurious treats. The fact that these magnificent works of culinary art had enough calories to last a week did not enter into our minds. We all edged toward the cupcakes drawn by some unexplainable force that compelled us to eat them.  
“Does anyone want one?” Holly asked the class while holding the tray up to tempt our eyes as well as our noses.
Was the answer not obvious to her? Did she not understand that every one of us was fighting an internal battle to stay seated and not tear the cupcakes from her hands and devoured them? I had always thought that Holly was a bright student, but she proved me wrong with that question. Holly stood in front of us with a tray full of heaven, yet she did not understand that she was in danger of the animalistic need for chocolate that had enveloped us all.
Everybody’s hand shot up, and a chorus of “YES!,” exploded through the room. Holly seemed startled over our enthusiasm, but only momentarily. When she recovered over her shock, she started to walk toward us. She walked toward the beasts with her offering.
As Holly approached us, a new thought entered into our minds; who will be the chosen one? Who will be the first to taste one of her chocolate masterpieces? We warily regarded one another from the corner of our eyes. We were all aware of the fact that we would fight to the death to obtain the first cupcake. We all braced ourselves, and prepared for war.
Holly, totally oblivious to all that was transpiring between her classmates, turned toward me. I wanted to laugh in triumph over this feat. I would be the chosen one, I would be the first to sink my teeth into the sugary goodness, and I would reign supreme.
 Holly stopped in front of my desk and extended her plate of temptations toward me. My mouth watered and my hand shook as I reached for the biggest chocolaty delight smothered with mouthwatering frosting. Just as I was about to touch it, a low primitive growl erupted from my classmates. I froze with my hand just an inch away from perfection. I turned my head and saw all ten of my fellow classmates glaring at me with jealousy and sugar lust in their eyes.
I slowly retracted my hand from temptation, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. My classmates regarded me with caution; waiting for my next move. I suddenly vaulted over the desk and protectively crouched in front Holly and her tray of goodness bearing the biggest fruit of heaven. Bring it on, I thought. I would risk my life for that cupcake from heaven; it was mine.   
Suddenly they all moved to form an impenetrable wall between me and the door. There would be no escape, they knew it, I knew it, and yet I could not allow this to happen. I would not let these intellectual nerds get the better of me. 
Suddenly an idea entered my mind. It was dangerous, stupid, and had the potential to end with my demise. But I did not care; my chocolate morsel was at stake.
“Hand over the cupcakes,” they all said in a demonic voice while they slowly edged closer to me. I could feel Holly trembling behind me in terror and knew that I had to act now before she dropped the tray and caused the world to end as the cupcakes of such purity hit the floor.
I slowly straitened to regain my total height and glared at my fellow classmates. Their eyes gleamed with triumph as they assumed that they had won. They rubbed their hands together and drool started to puddle on the floor. The time to act was now. I braced myself and prayed that this would work.
I bolted toward Dr. P’s desk with inhuman speed brought on by my chocolate craving. The beasts behind me descended on Holly and her tray. Holly screamed, and just as they were about to lay their filthy hands on heaven’s gifts, my hand grabbed the mouse on Dr. P’s desk.
“Stop!” I shouted. “Or else I will delete all of the term papers!” I would do it to. I no longer cared that we had spent two months on these papers, nor did I care that many of us had shed sweat, blood, and tears to finish them on time. I was desperate, and grades meant nothing to me at that moment.
They all froze. As one they turned toward me with looks of horror and disbelief.    
“Move away from the cupcakes.” I demanded.
They saw the determination in my eyes and knew that I was serious. They slowly backed away from Holly.
“Put your hands behind your heads!” I instructed. Sweat started to roll down my neck as I tried to keep my hand from shaking on the mouse. One of the guys glanced back at the cupcakes with longing and took a hesitant step toward them.
“Stop and put your hands behind your head or I will click!” I demanded. The guy looked at me fearfully and did as instructed.
“Ok..ok…ss..sorry…just don’ anything rash,” the guy stuttered with dread. I was beyond thinking rationally by this point. I had to get to my cupcake.
“Holly,” I said. “Carefully put the cupcakes on my desk, and then tie these guys up with the duck tape on Dr. P’s desk.” I gazed fearfully at her as she placed the cupcakes of the gods on my desk. Once they were safely on the desk, I breathed a sigh of relief.
My classmates did not like being tied up, but I did not care. Once they were all secure, I took my hand off of the mouse and heard a sigh of relief emitted from the room’s occupants.
Finally the time had come. I slowly approached the altar that held the golden cupcakes. I felt almost unworthy to be in their mighty presence. As I came upon them, my legs gave out and I kneeled before their greatness. Tears pricked my eyes as I reached out to take the biggest chocolaty delight smothered with mouthwatering frosting.
As my hand wrapped around this masterpiece, I trembled with anticipation. It was a work of perfection. The chocolate frosting gleamed in the over head lights, the scent of chocolate overwhelmed my senses, and the sight of so much chocolate in one creation nearly blinded me.  The cupcake would send me into a sugar high induced coma, but I did not care. I slowly lifted the cupcake to my mouth and almost cried at its perfection. A single tear left my eye as I went to take a bite.
…and remember you have to take out your retainer before you eat anything; these words suddenly whispered through my mind. I froze with my mouth a centimeter from the cupcake. NO!, I screamed to myself; I cannot wait. I do not care about the retainer. But the cupcakes may not taste as good with the retainer in, I thought to myself. I could not tarnish such greatness by subjecting it to the man made contraption that would obscure my sense of taste.
I slowly put the cupcake back on the tray with a shaking hand while I wanted to scream in frustration. I placed my hands in my mouth to extract the orthodontic torture device. My classmates made sounds of disgust when the device and all of its saliva exited my mouth. I looked around for a place to put it, and saw a pile of napkins that Holly brought. I placed the retainer in one of them and put in on her desk. Once this time consuming task was done, I turned back to the chocolaty morsel.
I grabbed the biggest chocolaty delight smothered with mouthwatering frosting once again. This time there would be no interruptions. I brought the sinful masterpiece of culinary art to my month once again in a sweet anticipation of an overload of chocolate.
I whirled around and saw Holly’s desk on the ground, and standing beside it with an expression of extreme evil was the garden gnome.  In its claw-like hands was my retainer. My mind froze. Not again, I thought. This was the same gnome that stole my homework, broke valuable stuff, and did all of the evil things that I blamed my brothers for. I glared at the little demon and prepared for war once again.
“Give it back,” I said through clenched teeth. I was not going to get in trouble again because of the gnome’s sick sense of humor.
“Never,” he said evilly, and then started to cackle with glee.
I took a step toward him with the intent to grab him. He smiled evilly and ran out the door. I followed close behind. But as I ran out the door, I saw his extended foot too late. I tripped and went flying toward the floor. It was at this moment that I remembered that I still had the cupcake in my hand. I watched with a horrible sense of dread as the heavenly creation went flying out of my hand and into the air. It spun in a dazzling display of chocolate that would mesmerize any who witnessed it. I suddenly hit the ground with a thud, but this pain was nothing compared to the crippling agony I felt when the gnome caught the chocolaty delight, and disappeared into thin air with it and my retainer. I laid there in disbelieving silence as all my dreams of chocolate disappeared.
Wait, I though, the tray of goodness was still in the classroom; all was not lost. I scrambled to my feet and darted back in to the class, and froze in horror. NO!, I screamed to myself as my legs gave away and I hit the floor. I stared at Dr. P with resentment as he finished off the last of the cupcakes. The rest of my classmates were staring at him with sorrow as tears streamed down their faces. I cried in agony against such a betrayal.  How could he? Does he not torture us enough with due dates and term papers? I would have let my classmates have a cupcake after I was done with the biggest chocolaty delight smothered with mouthwatering frosting. But to make them sit, tied to their chairs, as he ate the cupcakes one by one, was just cruel.
I felt fragmented, lost, and no longer held in place. I stared at the clock as the last seconds tick by before the bell rang in a silence filled with longing. All I had wanted was a cupcake; was that so wrong? I was tempted with a sinful chocolate confection, and in the end, I lost the biggest chocolaty delight smothered with mouthwatering frosting, my retainer, and scared my best friend and classmates.
I will have my revenge. I will catch that gnome.

~Anna O'Malley

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